It's been a long while since the story section last had any attention. A while back, I gave up on the idea of ever finishing my Star Wars stories, so instead have typed out a rough outline as to what may have happened during the rest of the saga. I've also expanded the names & characters section with images where possible.
Did some work behind the scenes of the game blog page so that the game filters now work much better.
A couple of months back I found loads of old notes about all the old Epic Space Marine games we played, starting from back when I was in high school. I thought it would be a good idea to type them all up as best I could, and upload them all. While I was at it, I also converted the Epic-S and 40K battle reports from their PDF state to HTML, and they can be found on the Warhammer 40K page.
The World Of LLAP-Goch is a stupidly magical place, inspired by the amateur films and silly scribblings made by the LLAP-Goch Productioneers.
The location of this world is unknown, be it elsewhere in the universe, or in some other dimension or existence entirely.
During the time when communication with this planet was possible, the following information was gathered about its geographical nature.
LLAP-Land was the first country created by The LLAP-Goch Master. The Master lived there and created most of his favourite inhabitants there.
The capital of LLAP-Land was Plimpton, and was the home of the LLAP-Goch Master. The Master's Graveyard was situated not far from here. LLAP-Land's military was stationed here, and there was also the Centre of Mentally Deranged Police Officers. Not far away from Plimpton was Peanut Point, where the Masters faced off for the first time in 15 years. Other more important towns were Hooty Village, Tiggles and Moot.
GAPP-Land was created by the GAPP-Loch Master after he fell out with the LLAP-Goch Master. It was from this country that the GAPP-Loch Master and his Mistress plotted their many devious attempts to defeat LLAP-Goch. The final contact Earth had with this world came after the GAPP-Loch Mistress was killed in her fortress deep in the most treacherous part of GAPP-Land.
The country was mainly inhabited by humanoids. There was a very strong governmental system, including a President and his helpers. The President ruled for many years from the Green House in the capital of Boschington. But it was destroyed in 1997 in an alien attack. The Space Research Centre was then expanded to become the presidential offices. The next famous place was Area 200,872 in the Banana Desert, where the country staged their fightback against the aliens.
The criminal centre of the entire world. When a criminal was captured he/she/it was sent here to clean carpets for the rest of their lives. These carpets grew on trees in and around the area of the massive carpet cleaning factory on the northern tip of the country. Outside the factory there was a small runway where criminals were dropped off, and a few small shops for the guards to buy things from.
For as long as anyone could remember, the factory was ruled by the three Drainlords - Good Lord, Lord E. Lord, and Lord Flump, who decided who cleaned which carpet on each certain day.
Outside this area the country was just one massive expanse of mountains, dirt, and rock. It was almost impossible for even the most clever and tough criminal to escape Codga-Wodga.
Overall must have been the weirdest country in the entire world. There were very few humanoids, but more strange creatures than the rest of the world put together. Oog-Woog land was ruled by the 'Lord Of The Land'. This lord was deposed, and a new one elected, every ten minutes. When a lord was in power, he/she/it was allowed only one rule for the other inhabitants to follow - the 'Law Of The Land'. Because the ruler and the rule changed every ten minutes, things could get a bit confusing. Oog-Woog Land, as stated before, was a very weird place.
The biggest country on the planet, most of which was covered in snow and ice. The crazy Mad Doctors were the only inhabitants of this huge country. They had an underground laboratory called Nutty Labz, where they created many weird and wonderful things and then released them on an unsuspecting world.
A small island in the middle of the Eccentric Ocean. The island was inhabited entirely by discarded toys that were given life by the LLAP-Goch Master. Later, the GAPP-Loch Mistress spread her foul corruption across the island, forcing the toys into conflict.
A fantastic mystical land only accessible by going through "The Path Of The Dead Hippo" deep inside the Tiggles Wood in LLAP-Land. Each time it was visited, the place seemed to be different, and inhabitants more and more bizarre were cropping up all the time, most of which seemed to be made of jelly.
This collection of islands was one massive beach resort where nearly everyone chose to go on holiday. Meowii got the best sun, had excellent beaches, and lots of massive waves for surfing.
The natives were mainly feline animals who lived for the waves.
Not a very interesting place at all. Nothing seemed to happen on the snow-covered wasteland. Didn't seem to stop The Maniac Moose, who claimed the country as his own in 1920. It is unknown what happened to the moose, who wasn't seen again.
A very hot desert country with a population of around two dozen. Most people didn't even seem to know Ack-Ack was its real name. It was mainly known as Sand Land. Some of the people living there belonged to the terrorist organisation the Cavaran.
A rather strange mystical land, only accessible from the ocean. The entire land was just a beach, filled with people just standing around. These people couldn't see, but lived forever. Oh yes, and their ears faced the ground. No-one knew why.
A very small island that hovered above Oog-Woog Land. It was only about 10 feet wide, and hovered between 12 and 14 feet off the ground at different times. The island was once the home to The Magic Joystick, before Jimmy Cronkshonk arrested it for stealing socks.
To celebrate the definitive final absolute closing concluding finishing last ending of LLAP-Goch for the last time, Steveo went mega mad and created this super map of the world. PS - it's big! (2600x2400)
This section details all of the historical events that we learned about the world during our time of communication with it:
The only living creature on the planet, Barrry The Fuzz Bug, flies around.
The LLAP-Goch Master is created in a strange 'pop' incident. Barrry The Fuzz Bug witnesses the event.
The LLAP-Goch Master begins to create other inhabitants, and names the planet 'The World Of LLAP-Goch'. He names his first country LLAP-Land, and sets up home in its capital. He names the city Plimpton, after his first creations The Plimps.
The GAPP-Loch Master is created when hot winds pass through the planet's upper ionosphere, or it could have been another one of those crazy little 'pop' things. No-one is sure.
The LLAP-Goch Master's watch is seriously affected by the 1711 bug.
The 1711 bug gets worse.
The LLAP-Goch Master gets his watch fixed.
The GAPP-Loch Master becomes crazed by lust and creates his very own Mistress. With her excellent cow-milking skills, he no longer has to worry about his lust for dairy produce.
The LLAP-Goch Master dozes off for a little snooze.
The LLAP-Goch Master wakes up, and realises he's overslept. His pet gerbil is very hungry.
Barrry The Fuzz Bug's application for world leadership is rejected by the LLAP-Goch Master. Apparently being there first doesn't count on the World Of LLAP-Goch.
Everything is Jimmin'. The year officially becomes known as Jimmin' year.
The LLAP-Goch Master begins to promote and teach Welsh martial arts classes.
The LLAP-Goch Master broadcasts a message into space and other dimensions promoting the Welsh martial arts. Unfortunately he uses S.N.A.I.L. satellite dishes and the transmission only travels at 2 feet every second Tuesday.
Barrry The Fuzz Bug is squashed to nothing during his first effort at Welsh martial arts.
The GAPP-Loch Master's application for world leadership is rejected by the LLAP-Goch Master. Apparently the new law brought in five minutes earlier states being there first now counts. The GAPP-Loch Master is enraged and vows to destroy the LLAP-Goch Master.
From his newly created country called GAPP-Land, The GAPP-Loch Master overthrows the Welsh martial arts by creating the more popular and tasty 'Gurp Juice'.
A very annoyed LLAP-Goch Master begins to build an army of potatoes to defeat the evil GAPP-Loch Master.
A runaway wildebeest eats the potato army. The LLAP-Goch Master re-thinks his strategy and decides he must find an army of silly people.
The silly people idea fails after a promising start when the GAPP-Loch Master convinces them all that they are gnus. They run off into the forest and eat lots of grass.
The Masters continue to attack each other in a variety of insanely stupid ways.
Maniac Moose becomes the first President of the planet, when becoming self-elected President of Aintitalfchilliere.
The State Of Mind soon follow suit. Derek 'Roppa-Pom' Diddley is elected.
The LLAP-Goch Master sneaks up on the GAPP-Loch Master and blows a green trumpet very loudly. The GAPP-Loch Master, who was eating a packet of Buggert Crisps at the time, jumps into the air in terror, scattering his Buggert Crisps all over the floor. The GAPP-Loch Master later renames the year 89 B.C., as a permanent reminder of how many of his Buggert Crisps he lost during the incident.
An alien ship crash lands at Boswell in the State Of Mind. A special research centre is created for it in the Banana desert (codename Area 200,872). Jeremy McFranklin goes crazy with disbelief at the whole episode and becomes the world's first Mad Doctor. He moves to the uninhabited land of Rusha and sets up Nutty Labz.
164 years later, the people of Earth receive the LLAP-Goch Master's transmission advertising Welsh martial arts. The advert later appears in a Monty Python book.
The Reb Blob Army invade Plimpton, the capital of LLAP-Land, and stop the production of timelines.
Censored by the Red Blob Army.
The Red Blob Army are defeated by the new LLAP-Land military led by Harry Hogwash.
A young Ronald Rumblecheeks is beaten repetitively round the head by a man with a mallet who apparently appeared from nowhere and vanished just the same. He becomes the world's youngest ever Mad Doctor at the age of 8.
The GAPP-Loch Master decides to make a force of of evil entities and recruits the Jellymen, who he finds in the mystical land of Boblydon. Unfortunately the GAPP-Loch Master, being the fan of jelly that he is, eats most of the army before sending them to attack the LLAP-Goch Master. The LLAP-Goch Master easily defeats the Jellymen, and sends them back with exploding hamsters. Before the GAPP-Loch Master knows what is going on, all the hamsters explode, sending bits of him flying in all directions, and at last the world seems safe from evil. The GAPP-Loch Mistress goes into hiding.
With so much interesting stuff going on, a few mad Boglins on the island of Toybitus set up the Boglin Broadcasting Corporation, to help inform the world on current situations.
Feeling bored without his arch enemy, the LLAP-Goch Master attempts to bring him back to life. He sends a tribe of Nurks to do the resurrection with a special recipe. The plan is thwarted by a singing toadstool, and the recipe discarded.
The evil Twoggas find the resurrection recipe and begin to study it.
The evil Twoggas find the GAPP-Loch Mistress and explain their plan. They will restore her Master, as long as they share the glory of defeating the LLAP-Goch Master. The Twoggas chant "ooooo, glub twog, ooooo, glub twog" for six days and nights, before finally getting on with the LLAP-Goch Master's own incantation. The re-created GAPP-Loch Master is confused, or stupid, or both, and kills the Twoggas and eats them all up, before being told by his Mistress that they have saved his life. In a religious gesture of rememberance, the GAPP-Loch Master hails a tub of blue butter as his messiah in honour of the Twoggas.
Gary Gobblespud is elected President of the State Of Mind, after Roppa-Pom Diddley steps down and breaks his ankle.
In top secret, the GAPP-Loch Master and Mistress create the huge Walrus Fortress deep in heart of GAPP-Land. Not surprisingly, it has nothing to do with a walrus.
Jam sandwich maker Jimmy Cronkshonk is spotted and recruited by the Centre Of Mentally Deranged Police Officers in Plimpton.
The Stuffy Wars take place. LLAP-Land's military are assisted by Mad Doctor Hooting-Flurgle in their war with The Stuff.
The State Of Mind launches the world's first space station. The station, called Sunfeet, is manned by three astronauts but is only the size of an average bathroom.
Deciding he's got too much time on his hands, the LLAP-Goch Master contacts some crazy humans on another planet, and recruits them as Productioneers. Their job is to make Productions about the crazy happenings on the World Of LLAP-Goch and spread the silliness in their own world.
Meanwhile, after lots of hiding and training his toes, the GAPP-Loch Master sends a letter to the LLAP-Goch Master informing him of how he is going to kill him. Unfortunately the letter is sent by Buffalo mail and will take a long time to be delivered.
The Hooty MacTooty takes place.
The Productioneers excell themselves with silliness overload, and rattle off crazy Productions one after another. The LLAP-Goch Master laughs heartily at all the silliness.
Detective Jimmy Cronkshonk joins the Moot Police in an effort to thwart a spree of sock thefts, but it all goes wrong as the Moot Police station is destroyed and the four officers inside killed when a bomb goes off in Cronkshonk's trousers.
President Gobblespud uses the State Of Mind's military forces to fight off the world's first ever alien invasion. The Green House is destroyed. The Space Research Centre becomes the President's base of operations. Mad Doctor Jeremy moves back to the State Of Mind but is imprisoned in the Space Research Centre by President Gobblespud.
An enormous shield projector is built in Boschington in order to help repel any other alien attacks. President Gobblespud is deposed and imprisoned for trying to eat a Rabbi. General Tarbuck is elected.
A shark (later nicknamed Herbert) becomes famous for stealing 12 grandmothers and putting them in yellow barrels.
The Masters face off on Peanut Point.
The LLAP-Goch Master receives the GAPP-Loch Master's letter, and realises that the evil force of GAPP-Loch is back, and stronger than ever.
Later that year the GAPP-Loch Master faces the LLAP-Goch Master for the first time in 15 years, promising to destroy him and his silly production company. The face-off takes place on Peanut Point, where both Masters stare at each other all day until the sun goes down, then get bored and go home.
The LLAP-Goch Master then begins to convert the silliness from the Productions into a silliness barrier, and casts it around his home, as the force of GAPP-Loch begins to grow stronger than ever before. All that evil starts to go to people's heads. White vans and taxis, all driven by Tunes Men, begin to crop up around the world.
President Tarbuck and the State Of Mind's military fight off another alien invasion. Traitorous Jack Gooty is killed after sabotaging the shield projector.
After many attempts a masked murderer fails to murder anyone then disappears. Eddie Von Trout becomes the detective on the case in his spare time.
The Productioneers give the LLAP-Goch Master an awesome barrier of silliness with the creation of their best Production yet. This enrages the GAPP-Loch Master. No matter how he tries, he can not get through to face the LLAP-Goch Master again. He decides he will have to disrupt the flow of silliness from the LLAP-Goch Master's Productioneers if he is to have any chance. So in combat to the silliness, GAPP-Loch recruits the two infamous porn makers, Uncle John and Bishop Taylor. When they fail in their effort to create a porn block, the GAPP-Loch Master gets a bathroom mirror and positions it above the LLAP-Goch Master's home. The psychic silliness being channelled from Earth is deflected back, meaning the Productioneers go totally insane with double their usual silliness, but communication between the two planets is seriously affected.
The GAPP-Loch Master is truly succeeding in blocking any new Productions being made. After a quick two seconds of not a lot of thought, the LLAP-Goch Master has his most awesome idea - food products. If he can distract the GAPP-Loch Master for long enough with something as silly as foodstuffs, his Productioneers will be free to do what they do best. However, the enormous popularity of both the Cheese Creamy and then the Brown Cheese Toasty mean the excercise is counter productive. The Productioneers sit about all day making and eating them instead. The LLAP-Goch Master realises he needs something the Productioneers can't make easily on their own planet and moves onto his next food product idea - the Chocolate Banana. Within weeks work begins to flow on a new Production.
Everywhere around the world, inhabitants sick of the Tunes Men begin to retaliate. Many taxis and white vans are vandalised with chopsticks and squirted with cheesy cream. In retaliation, the Tunes Men drive more crazy and play their crappy music even louder. The Goch War has begun.
The B.B.C. headquarters are bombed by unknown terrorists, killing Fred Flogwog and Harry Hoggit live on air.
The GAPP-Loch Master finally realises he shouldn't be eating all this food and, spirited by the chaos he has spread around the world, thinks it's time to face his enemy personally. In the Chocolate Banana factory, the Masters face off. After several hours of banana duelling, the GAPP-Loch Master creates a group of evil Sith Bananas and sends them at the LLAP-Goch Master. In response, the LLAP-Goch Master issues Force powers to a passing wasp to combat the threat. The two Masters fight in elbow to elbow combat, during which both fall into the great pool of chocolate in the middle of the factory, and do not emerge. After little deliberation it is announced they have both drowned in chocolate. With no Master to guide them, the Productioneers realise to continue is pointless. The Productions are stopped for good.
By the end of the year both the number of Tunes Men and those wishing to fight them has dwindled. Neither side seems particularly motivated since their Masters have gone. The Goch War is over.
Mad Doctor Rumblecheeks tests the world's first time machine. He sends himself back in time, but is startled by a child and hits it with his trusty mallet.
The Chocolate Banana factory is renamed the Master's Graveyard, and is now guarded by a re-formed Red Blob Army, who assure everyone they have changed their evil ways.
The Sith Bananas create havoc across the world. Megawasp and the Wasp Machines are hard stretched to keep them in check.
Sock thief Derek Dibble is finally caught by the Slug Police and Eddie Von Trout. It appears while on the run Dibble had discovered a sock making factory in Oog-Woog Land and for the last few years had been working there under the name Simon Socksmith. After a brief trial he is sent to Codga-Wodga World.
Late in the year a crazy group of so-called terrorists called the Cavaran reveal themselves by bombing locations around the State Of Mind with egg and flour. President Tarbuck orders his troops to capture the Cavaran's leader Ich Bin Liner, and hostilities grow between the State Of Mind and the desert country of Ack-Ack.
The GAPP-Loch Mistress once again reveals herself, much to the distress of some innocent bystanders. She sends her minions to capture many of the most inspirational followers of LLAP-Goch, and locks them away in the dungeon of her fortress to be tortured by an entity known only as The Shopkeeper. They include Stip Junkfeet, Eggy MacDeggy and Eddie Von Trout.
President Tarbuck's army force the surrender of Ich Bin Liner and the Cavaran by using many confiscated Tunes Men stereos against them. The stereos are operated by specially trained but very stupid monkeys, who are not affected by the shitty music.
On Toybitus, the newly remade B.B.C. is attacked and destroyed again during its first broadcast. Skull Face, now empowered by GAPP-Loch, is once again responsible. His army of evil toys called "The Union" engage in a fierce battle against all the other toys on the island. The entire plot has been orchestrated by Skull Face so that all the toys, who were creations of The LLAP-Goch Master, will kill each other.
In the fortress, the captives in the dungeon join forces and manage to escape with the help of the Plimps. They find and defeat the GAPP-Loch Mistress, and the force of GAPP-Loch is destroyed once and for all.
With no force of either LLAP-Goch or GAPP-Loch left in the world, the psychic connection between it and Earth is lost forever.
The timeline is based around Dave's original LLAP-Goch and GAPP-Loch timelines. It has then had information from Productions both filmed and wrooted included, as well as bits added by Steve to try and fill in the gaps.